If You Are Looking For Signs

The day following the first day of summer
I sat up in bed thinking of many faces. Yours
still stings my heart in a yearning for the closing door to my old self.

Teach me gratefulness teach me honesty
but do not take forgetfulness away; leave me with forgetting.

If you are looking for signs
I’m telling you now
It will never not be that
I will never flinch from you for any other reason
but that each of your touches feel like
the fire of a stranger’s hands
and I will possibly never entirely stop being reminded
that everything I consider to be the essence of my body and life
was taken and left, chewed and

I will never confuse you with him,
but my body wants me to,
my body wants to never forget
– because it knows I am suffering –
and it never wants to suffer again.
My body wants me to see him around every corner,
constantly aware of what happened to me
constantly trying to build me stronger
and yet somehow I feel so weak.

But I’m telling you now
Nothing new, no one else, can make me crave something outside of the steadiness of our foundation, outside of the knowledge that you are there, waiting.
You will always be the wire fence I dragged my fingers along
When walking away from the sun.


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