Author’s Note, 1 year later.

Sorry I have been silent on here for a bit. Computer troubles.
I have recently been vocal on my social media pages about National Suicide Prevention Month, – Week, – Day but not simply because I have experienced ideation, survived attempts, or lost loved ones to suicide. But every other fall for five years I have made an attempt on my life.

I’m proud that I am surviving an illness as lethal as this one and that I have survived the intrusive illnesses of others. If it wasn’t my hands, it was theirs. But should I consider this a victory or an opportunity? That of course would imply that the universe is an agent over my hard work. Even void of spiritual connotations, maybe it is?

So, being forced into this segmented life (I imagine myself on constantly new slices of a still-living worm) has taught me a lot of things, some in a vague and subtextual way, some in very explicit passed wisdoms:

  • If you expected validation, support, or love from a certain person and did not ever get it there – no matter how often you hear this is a reliable source – do not go looking there again. It won’t come from nothing. That is a dry fountain.
  • Those things they say about “try even if you’re afraid to fail,” and “if you want something done, do it,” and all things “hard work is–” are true. There were so many times I had to exercise a self-control I didn’t think I had in me, make a sacrifice that kept me up at night, or skip other responsibilities so I’d get everything settled in my life just for a little while. The places we’re in are not necessarily escapable, but you have so many bullets to bite in life, tearful weeks to swallow down, days to go without sitting in order to succeed. It hurts, it really does. But you won’t regret it. Imagine the worse pain of looking back and seeing thousands of could-have’s.
  • You own your life. You can customize it. It is yours. If you find yourself in a family with cyclical abuse, you are given a beautiful opportunity to break the cycle. Create a new life instead of taking your current one away. You are the individual, no one can beg you to stay still and stagnant.
  • Give as well as remain receptive to love. You may be exhausted in life, but you never run out. Despite poetry that claims otherwise, if you dare to pour yourself into something or someone, you do not become an empty vase.

 

Signed,

Finally glad to be here. Thank you for having me.

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